Mini Adventure

I got back from my first day of my friday class early, and I was debating whether or not to go look for a book for another class. Initially, I wanted to put it off for tomorrow, but I knew it would be best if I went today...just incase I didn't find anything, so I would be able to go looking for it someplace else.

So the adventure was going to happen. I wrote the address down, double checked it, triple checked it, and then I was out the door. I typed it into my gps, and then I was ready to go. The antique store I was set out to find was about 20 minutes away in Mechanicsville. I had no idea where I was going, so when the gps said that I have reached my destination, and I didnt see what I was looking for, I realized I was lost. Not fun. It led me to a funeral home and a business building. This was not funny. Really?

So I drove around, because certainly it was nearby, because certainly I must have missed it. After circling around a few neighborhoods, I finally came up with the idea that I should look at the building numbers to see if I was even close. I was in the 800s, I was looking for the 1000s, so I headed in the direction where the numbers were going up.

I kept driving, and driving, and driving until I finally saw a place that said 'antiques.' Now i know this wasn't the place, but I was sure that there was someone inside there that knew where to find the place I was looking for. I was right. A lady inside knew exactly where it was and gave me directions. Thank goodness. At least now I know it exists...and a location.

Off I was again, on the hunt, and sure enough I found what I was looking for. I'm so glad I didn't just turn around when the gps was wrong. It's quite funny how far my brain and a little bit of information can go.

The gps was off by about a few miles. O technology, why must you almost always fail me?

Been There

If I am to be myself, I am to be who I am without reservation. I don't want to waste my days being stagnant, while leaving the world unchanged. I want to live, and I want others to live as well, well more fuller. I want to be a voice for others who are hesitant to speak out, for I was once there too. I was in the dark, and now I want you too to come in the light. The dark is a deadly place that fosters sickness and breaks down then tears apart spirits. If you think you are strong in darkness, you will not be strong, you will continue to be weak, you will never be as strong as you can be in light. I want to be there for those who struggle, for I once too struggled, and I still struggle. I continue on because my Father loves me and He has given me a purpose. Other than this I have no reason to live. I live for nothing else.

Beginnings II

Through all the anxiety I've felt today, through all the rapid heartbeats, nervous hands, and the spinning of my brain, today managed to be a day that was....good. Now, I won't bother with trying to trick myself into thinking today was a horrible day, because when I look back at it as a whole, it was a fairly decent day. There was warm weather, I retrieved the last of my projects from last semester, and I got food for the week. Optimism is going to be key, i think, for a better semester. I'm going to force myself until it's a habit.

Beginnings

Tomorrow is the first day of a new semester.

I can't seem to stop shaking...my hands tremble of nervousness.

My eyes are trying to hold back the waterworks.

A little voice in the back of my mind is whispering "you better not mess this one up."

I don't want to continue to live the way I have.

I want to start this one as me.

Don't Wait

I have a a small problem which I think might really be a really big problem.

I live each day as if I am going to fall asleep that night and wake up the next day. I expect it. I EXPECT it. Waking up in the morning is a gift, and making it to the end of the day is a gift. When waking up in the morning, I have the opportunity to live and impact the world around me. When laying my head to rest at night, I want to look back and say I made a change and a difference. I don't ever want to waste away my days.

I walk around all day knowing that someday life is going to end for me. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't know the hour, but I've grasped the concept that it's not that long from now. If I am lucky enough to reach the age of 90, I have about 25, 550 days left. I realize that I can be called home any one of those days. When I look at the number, it doesn't look like a lot. It makes me want to do things that I put off for tomorrow. What am I waiting for? I can't do it when I'm dead. So what's making me so afraid to start living life how I'm suppose to? I want to make each and every one of those days count. No more wasting time...precious time.


So I'll end this with a part of a song that I think is relative to this called "lapse" by envy on the coast. I never listened to them, and i know nothing about the band. I had the song on a mix cd I was listening to in the car, and I just found out it was them. I don't know, while listening to the song, this part stuck out. I made it a point to look it up:

"And no, I'm not afraid,
At least not to die
I'm afraid to live, and not remember why"

Yesterday Fades While Tomorrow Is Looking Clearer

There were times I've felt , but I know there are times ahead I will feel completely alive. I know now that those were just a taste... Those times I would look at you and scream in my head, so loud I swore you could hear. Sometimes you did, sometimes you didn't. Those times of not knowing what would happen next, or if I would have enough courage or strength to see you the next day. Those times of wondering if I was ever going to see you after this once. Those times you made me believe you would come back for me, and times I believed you would, and the times I knew you wouldn't. Those little moments you would take my hand, and all the other intriguing randomness of gestures. Those times a hug was just what I needed, and I will never forget being in your arms. Those times when a smile from you could heal. Those times we would talk about life. Oh, and that time, when I layed next to you and just stared for hours on end, wondering what would become of you, and wondering what all this meant, and what paths we each would take. And times like these, some seven years later, when I can't stop wondering what you're doing now and if you're ok.

and bury this I must. Somewhere else that is not my mind, so i lay it here. I cannot live now and for the future while stuck in the little moments of the past.

Shoes

Trapped In the Shaddows of Our Invisible Cages

And I sit and wonder how many of us are out there crying these silent cries...


...and what bothers me even more is that I'm doing nothing about it, well, nothing very significant.




Inside I am screaming. It's so loud in my head it's deafening, but unfortunately for me if you are on the other side of me, you'd assume everything is okay...not perfect, not even good, just okay. There have been so many times I've been right next to someone who I know who cared and I just want to pour my heart out to them. I want to tell them that I'm hurting real bad and I don't know what to do. But then I resist that urge, because what good is that going to do? I don't want to put any burdens upon them. It will only make them feel helpless. I feel its better if they don't know, cause they're happy. Who want's to ruin that? I certainly don't.

Depression. Yes, this horrible thing that lives inside me. It is there. All day, everyday. It never leaves, it wastes my days, and it prevents me from living. It is a constant struggle just to appear like everything is alright.

In His Presence

You work within me and bring me to that place You show,
That place I know I need to be
To give You my all and everything I am
Where You make me whole
I feel Your presence within me
And nothing else is better
Than to feel You so near.



o how I love my Lord, my King.

The Big City

These are some photos that I took while I was in new york for the first time.

Passion Pit= awesomeness...

improve evereywhere's annual no pants on the subway day....there were tons of people who showed up for the event.


I see....lots and lots of tall buildings.