I need to learn how to take risks. I think they are needed to get anywhere worth getting to. The destination is much sweeter when it is worked hard for. I've avoided taking risks for most of my life due to the fear of failure. I must not let that fear keep me stagnant. I have so many dreams and goals, and the lack of healthy risk taking isn't going to let me reach them. I must not be afraid anymore. I need to keep taking risks until failure is meaningless except for a sign to get back up and keep on trying.

“Any time you sincerely want to make a change, the first thing you must do is to raise your standards. When people ask me what really changed my life eight years ago, I tell them that absolutely the most important thing was changing what I demanded of myself. I wrote down all the things I would no longer accept in my life, all the things I would no longer tolerate, and all the things that I aspired to becoming.” - Anthony Robbins

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” - M. Scott Peck

I came across these random quotes of which felt were relative to what's been happening lately... well more in the past few years...well more so since I began college, and I've been adding to it. I intentionally try to make myself uncomfortable. I make myself stay in a situation when all I want to do is to flee. I put myself in situations where it would be easier to just avoid it all together. I believe this stretches me and makes me stronger with all that I deal with internally. This change was needed so I wouldn't fall into my trap of always secluding myself. Secluding myself and being alone too much did nothing for me for far too long. I don't know why I thought it was ok. When I thought I was putting it off for later and making it easier for myself, all I was really doing was missing out on opportunity. I was missing out on life. So now I look back, and struggle with not beating myself up over what I never did.

I don't give myself enough credit for what I've done in the past five years. I have made progress since I decided I had to make a change in my ways. I look back and see how far I have come. Do I still struggle? Of course yes. Everyday. But they way I look at everything now makes a world of difference.

a short quick list...

things I will accept in my life:

• people who care
  
• my appearance
• my past
  
• compliments
• imperfection
• I can't do everything at once
  
• I am good enough
• change
• happiness
  

things I will no longer tolerate in my life:

• excuses
• negativity
• complaining
• false perception
• overwhelming doubt
• staying stagnant

things I aspire to become/do:

• build closer friendships
• give freely
• really put my heart into what I do
• connect more
  
• make more of a difference
• be more free
  

Direction

I can't believe how long it's been since the last post. It's crazy how life gets so busy that I don't make time to reflect in words. Anyways, since i have one and a half years of school left, I've been thinking a ton about what I want to focus on when I get out. People always ask me and I never have an answer to give them. After doing some internal soul searching, I've come to the conclusion (at least for now) that I want to do two main things that's related to my graphic design knowledge.

One. I want to do fliers, posters, album covers, band photography, shirts, etc. for bands or anything music related. I want to do this because I understand music, for I too am a musician. I want to help out and give back with my talents. I believe in the ultimate mission of music.

Two. I want to do things to reach out to the depressed and all the subcategories...the suicidal, the self-injurers, the substance abusers, the anxious, etc. I especially have a heart for people like this, I just want to do something. There is hope for them and they don't have to continue to live in the darkness.

People struggling with suicidal thoughts and those who are struggling with self injury have been in my thoughts lately....

I watched a documentary about self injury a year or so ago, and i wrote this poem in response to it:

And she counts her scars

One by one she tells her story

Of the heartbreak of a dimmer tomorrow

And bleeds out hopelessness for the present

Grins from the relief

Of watching the pain release

And for the moment she feels normal

But then remembers the dysfunction of these habits

Never more, the promises, o the promises

One more session, just one more resonates in her mind

One more

Always back for one more

And they never stop

An endless cycle of cries

That have became silent

And cries for help are never heard.

Now all that is yearned for is normalcy

And to feel once again

Cause the scars on her arms tell how you become numb.

And feeling is a distant memory

Something she once knew, but now is disengaged from

Wants to reconnect with what it is to feel

And become one with the mind that has left her senses

The two can never compromise

They separate—

The needs and the wants

The sanity and the fix

Battles

Always at war

Fighting to live,

Fighting to die

New Outlook

I used to live in the past, but now I just really want to live for the future and live in the present.

And Then The Rain Came

I had to carry a poster over a distance of a mile or so in the rain. It was cold, and my hands became red and numb. I still had a while to go until I was home, so I tried to focus my mind on something so that the walk wouldn't seem as long. I started out thinking about my week. Instead of making myself sad over it, I realized an analogy of my current situation: I was carrying this roll of paper, holding it close to my body, so that no rain can damage it. I was careful to keep it from harm, and I had to be strong (my arm was getting sore from holding my huge umbrella). I thought about how God does sort of the same thing. He carries me through the rain, and protects me. He is my shelter. Although things are tough right now, I have faith that He will carry me through and I'll be ok in the end.

another one i had tucked away...

Standing before me, you are one,
but you are the one I've been waiting for all my life.
So come here and let me hold you, Love,
and let's start forever.
With this kiss I'll be yours, and you'll be mine.

Please, Just One More Chance

This hurts the worst. It hurts more than the sadness of my depression, more than the pains of being ignored. It hurts. My heart hurts. And now I want to disappear, wait, no, I want to get better. I want to feel normal, myself, and I want to be happy. Most of all, I want to be happy with you. I want us to be together forever and share life. You say that you've never been this sure about anything in your life. Well, I've never been this sure that I love you. I really do. I really, really, positively do. A hundred thousand times I do. If you need a hundred thousand more, I'll give it to you. I am at the mercy of your heart. Please love me, love me like I know I can love you. You just need to be around long enough to see.

Wednesday Morning Snow

Looking out my window this morning, I saw snow. I saw that the white stuff covered the ground, and was falling from the sky in larger flakes. After checking to see if school was going to be closed, it wasn't. 30 minutes later, it still wasn't. Right before I left, it still wasn't. So I bundled up, grabbed my umbrella, and wrapped my sketchbook in a large plastic bag to carry.

I took a few steps outside. My shoes were covered in snow. Some spots were ankle deep. This wasn't pleasant when I thought about how I was going to be stuck in the same wet socks for 7 hours. Pants were covered in snow. This wasn't going to be good. Too late to turn around to get the bike, not like I could carry my stuff and ride on ice.

Then the wind blows. Hard and horizontally. My face feels the blow, and I quickly squint, barely being able to see, while my umbrella proves to be useless. I don't see this situation as getting any better, so I close up my umbrella, cover my head with my hoodie, and continue on. Carefully and slowly.

By half way, I am covered in snow, and I could barely see my shoes. I just couldn't wait to get to school so that I could dry off. When I am about couple blocks from my building, a car lets me pass, i motion my hand to thank them, and attempt to find the sidewalk. As I put my foot forward, I slip and fall. This was just so ridiculous that I just had to laugh about it. I never fall, I try everything not to fall, but the time I fall, it just had to be right in front of someone. Funny how that happens.

So I get to my classroom, and get to the door. Closed. Locked. I take off my wet coat, and take out my computer. I check to see if the school is closed. Nothing. I check my phone. Nothing. Then exactly 2 minutes before my class starts, I get a message from vcu. School is closed. What! I walked all this way, in this weather, just because vcu didn't tell me at least 30 minutes before class would start! This is ridiculous. Seriously? Its dangerous out there.

Aww

I Need A Break

I just want everything to pause while I take some time off to go do something I'm passionate about, and then come back and resume where I left off. I need some time to engage with that part of me. Songwriting and storytelling and exploring and adventures. I need it so desperately. Cause right now I'm suffocating and I'm a mess cause I long for that part of me. I've been feeling missing for some time. Except for those moments when I'm in the car and I sing along until I almost lose my voice. It's the freest I feel, and God's the only one who can hear. It's one of the few times my heart is happy and I smile. The only problem is that I'm by myself, but I still view it as joy. Hopefully I will be able to list other moments...I need more.

another old one i dug up...

If I could rewind time
and turn back the clocks,
pause time
and savor every moment,
I would speak every word left unspoken
let it flow from my heart into yours
and have no fears of what might come out of it...





***note to self: you will regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did do but failed.***

Laying Down My Pride

I've decided to finally see that my pride is getting in the way of my wellness. I can't get better on my own. I can't just sit by and wait for a miracle to magically appear. I have to do something to work towards getting help. This means help from a professional, and also I can definitely pray and read the bible more because nothing is more powerful and effective than that.

I've been avoiding the counseling services here. I think it's because I thought I could do it on my own, that if I just try as hard as I can, I would be fine. Wow, could I be ever so wrong. I think it hit me all at once today. My eyes sting from my tears that have been slowly releasing from my eyes. The sting lingers and its a reminder of how bad it's gotten. I can't go on pretending I'm going to be ok. I'm not going to continue to do this on my own.

Alone

Lately, I've been trying to be more optimistic and happier. What I forgot about for a little while, I think, is that I cannot be in that feeling forever. I am going to have lows that go along with highs. That's life. For the past few days or so, I've been at a low point. I seclude myself more because I don't want to be around people when I'm feeling depressed, I don't respond to people when they make attempts to contact me. They don't know whats going on with me right now, so I'll return back to them when it's a little better so they don't feel bad. Depression makes me feel alone. It makes me feel unworthy to be in the presence of normal people, which in turn makes me alone i guess.

Sometimes, secretly I wish someone would look over at me and recognize my pain and suffering in my eyes...for I am probably holding back the tears that I so desperately want to get rid of. They don't notice, and I don't know if deep down that is what hurts me even more.

Mini Adventure

I got back from my first day of my friday class early, and I was debating whether or not to go look for a book for another class. Initially, I wanted to put it off for tomorrow, but I knew it would be best if I went today...just incase I didn't find anything, so I would be able to go looking for it someplace else.

So the adventure was going to happen. I wrote the address down, double checked it, triple checked it, and then I was out the door. I typed it into my gps, and then I was ready to go. The antique store I was set out to find was about 20 minutes away in Mechanicsville. I had no idea where I was going, so when the gps said that I have reached my destination, and I didnt see what I was looking for, I realized I was lost. Not fun. It led me to a funeral home and a business building. This was not funny. Really?

So I drove around, because certainly it was nearby, because certainly I must have missed it. After circling around a few neighborhoods, I finally came up with the idea that I should look at the building numbers to see if I was even close. I was in the 800s, I was looking for the 1000s, so I headed in the direction where the numbers were going up.

I kept driving, and driving, and driving until I finally saw a place that said 'antiques.' Now i know this wasn't the place, but I was sure that there was someone inside there that knew where to find the place I was looking for. I was right. A lady inside knew exactly where it was and gave me directions. Thank goodness. At least now I know it exists...and a location.

Off I was again, on the hunt, and sure enough I found what I was looking for. I'm so glad I didn't just turn around when the gps was wrong. It's quite funny how far my brain and a little bit of information can go.

The gps was off by about a few miles. O technology, why must you almost always fail me?

Been There

If I am to be myself, I am to be who I am without reservation. I don't want to waste my days being stagnant, while leaving the world unchanged. I want to live, and I want others to live as well, well more fuller. I want to be a voice for others who are hesitant to speak out, for I was once there too. I was in the dark, and now I want you too to come in the light. The dark is a deadly place that fosters sickness and breaks down then tears apart spirits. If you think you are strong in darkness, you will not be strong, you will continue to be weak, you will never be as strong as you can be in light. I want to be there for those who struggle, for I once too struggled, and I still struggle. I continue on because my Father loves me and He has given me a purpose. Other than this I have no reason to live. I live for nothing else.

Beginnings II

Through all the anxiety I've felt today, through all the rapid heartbeats, nervous hands, and the spinning of my brain, today managed to be a day that was....good. Now, I won't bother with trying to trick myself into thinking today was a horrible day, because when I look back at it as a whole, it was a fairly decent day. There was warm weather, I retrieved the last of my projects from last semester, and I got food for the week. Optimism is going to be key, i think, for a better semester. I'm going to force myself until it's a habit.

Beginnings

Tomorrow is the first day of a new semester.

I can't seem to stop shaking...my hands tremble of nervousness.

My eyes are trying to hold back the waterworks.

A little voice in the back of my mind is whispering "you better not mess this one up."

I don't want to continue to live the way I have.

I want to start this one as me.

Don't Wait

I have a a small problem which I think might really be a really big problem.

I live each day as if I am going to fall asleep that night and wake up the next day. I expect it. I EXPECT it. Waking up in the morning is a gift, and making it to the end of the day is a gift. When waking up in the morning, I have the opportunity to live and impact the world around me. When laying my head to rest at night, I want to look back and say I made a change and a difference. I don't ever want to waste away my days.

I walk around all day knowing that someday life is going to end for me. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't know the hour, but I've grasped the concept that it's not that long from now. If I am lucky enough to reach the age of 90, I have about 25, 550 days left. I realize that I can be called home any one of those days. When I look at the number, it doesn't look like a lot. It makes me want to do things that I put off for tomorrow. What am I waiting for? I can't do it when I'm dead. So what's making me so afraid to start living life how I'm suppose to? I want to make each and every one of those days count. No more wasting time...precious time.


So I'll end this with a part of a song that I think is relative to this called "lapse" by envy on the coast. I never listened to them, and i know nothing about the band. I had the song on a mix cd I was listening to in the car, and I just found out it was them. I don't know, while listening to the song, this part stuck out. I made it a point to look it up:

"And no, I'm not afraid,
At least not to die
I'm afraid to live, and not remember why"

Yesterday Fades While Tomorrow Is Looking Clearer

There were times I've felt , but I know there are times ahead I will feel completely alive. I know now that those were just a taste... Those times I would look at you and scream in my head, so loud I swore you could hear. Sometimes you did, sometimes you didn't. Those times of not knowing what would happen next, or if I would have enough courage or strength to see you the next day. Those times of wondering if I was ever going to see you after this once. Those times you made me believe you would come back for me, and times I believed you would, and the times I knew you wouldn't. Those little moments you would take my hand, and all the other intriguing randomness of gestures. Those times a hug was just what I needed, and I will never forget being in your arms. Those times when a smile from you could heal. Those times we would talk about life. Oh, and that time, when I layed next to you and just stared for hours on end, wondering what would become of you, and wondering what all this meant, and what paths we each would take. And times like these, some seven years later, when I can't stop wondering what you're doing now and if you're ok.

and bury this I must. Somewhere else that is not my mind, so i lay it here. I cannot live now and for the future while stuck in the little moments of the past.

Shoes

Trapped In the Shaddows of Our Invisible Cages

And I sit and wonder how many of us are out there crying these silent cries...


...and what bothers me even more is that I'm doing nothing about it, well, nothing very significant.




Inside I am screaming. It's so loud in my head it's deafening, but unfortunately for me if you are on the other side of me, you'd assume everything is okay...not perfect, not even good, just okay. There have been so many times I've been right next to someone who I know who cared and I just want to pour my heart out to them. I want to tell them that I'm hurting real bad and I don't know what to do. But then I resist that urge, because what good is that going to do? I don't want to put any burdens upon them. It will only make them feel helpless. I feel its better if they don't know, cause they're happy. Who want's to ruin that? I certainly don't.

Depression. Yes, this horrible thing that lives inside me. It is there. All day, everyday. It never leaves, it wastes my days, and it prevents me from living. It is a constant struggle just to appear like everything is alright.

In His Presence

You work within me and bring me to that place You show,
That place I know I need to be
To give You my all and everything I am
Where You make me whole
I feel Your presence within me
And nothing else is better
Than to feel You so near.



o how I love my Lord, my King.

The Big City

These are some photos that I took while I was in new york for the first time.

Passion Pit= awesomeness...

improve evereywhere's annual no pants on the subway day....there were tons of people who showed up for the event.


I see....lots and lots of tall buildings.