Wednesday Morning Snow

Looking out my window this morning, I saw snow. I saw that the white stuff covered the ground, and was falling from the sky in larger flakes. After checking to see if school was going to be closed, it wasn't. 30 minutes later, it still wasn't. Right before I left, it still wasn't. So I bundled up, grabbed my umbrella, and wrapped my sketchbook in a large plastic bag to carry.

I took a few steps outside. My shoes were covered in snow. Some spots were ankle deep. This wasn't pleasant when I thought about how I was going to be stuck in the same wet socks for 7 hours. Pants were covered in snow. This wasn't going to be good. Too late to turn around to get the bike, not like I could carry my stuff and ride on ice.

Then the wind blows. Hard and horizontally. My face feels the blow, and I quickly squint, barely being able to see, while my umbrella proves to be useless. I don't see this situation as getting any better, so I close up my umbrella, cover my head with my hoodie, and continue on. Carefully and slowly.

By half way, I am covered in snow, and I could barely see my shoes. I just couldn't wait to get to school so that I could dry off. When I am about couple blocks from my building, a car lets me pass, i motion my hand to thank them, and attempt to find the sidewalk. As I put my foot forward, I slip and fall. This was just so ridiculous that I just had to laugh about it. I never fall, I try everything not to fall, but the time I fall, it just had to be right in front of someone. Funny how that happens.

So I get to my classroom, and get to the door. Closed. Locked. I take off my wet coat, and take out my computer. I check to see if the school is closed. Nothing. I check my phone. Nothing. Then exactly 2 minutes before my class starts, I get a message from vcu. School is closed. What! I walked all this way, in this weather, just because vcu didn't tell me at least 30 minutes before class would start! This is ridiculous. Seriously? Its dangerous out there.

Aww

I Need A Break

I just want everything to pause while I take some time off to go do something I'm passionate about, and then come back and resume where I left off. I need some time to engage with that part of me. Songwriting and storytelling and exploring and adventures. I need it so desperately. Cause right now I'm suffocating and I'm a mess cause I long for that part of me. I've been feeling missing for some time. Except for those moments when I'm in the car and I sing along until I almost lose my voice. It's the freest I feel, and God's the only one who can hear. It's one of the few times my heart is happy and I smile. The only problem is that I'm by myself, but I still view it as joy. Hopefully I will be able to list other moments...I need more.

another old one i dug up...

If I could rewind time
and turn back the clocks,
pause time
and savor every moment,
I would speak every word left unspoken
let it flow from my heart into yours
and have no fears of what might come out of it...





***note to self: you will regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did do but failed.***

Laying Down My Pride

I've decided to finally see that my pride is getting in the way of my wellness. I can't get better on my own. I can't just sit by and wait for a miracle to magically appear. I have to do something to work towards getting help. This means help from a professional, and also I can definitely pray and read the bible more because nothing is more powerful and effective than that.

I've been avoiding the counseling services here. I think it's because I thought I could do it on my own, that if I just try as hard as I can, I would be fine. Wow, could I be ever so wrong. I think it hit me all at once today. My eyes sting from my tears that have been slowly releasing from my eyes. The sting lingers and its a reminder of how bad it's gotten. I can't go on pretending I'm going to be ok. I'm not going to continue to do this on my own.

Alone

Lately, I've been trying to be more optimistic and happier. What I forgot about for a little while, I think, is that I cannot be in that feeling forever. I am going to have lows that go along with highs. That's life. For the past few days or so, I've been at a low point. I seclude myself more because I don't want to be around people when I'm feeling depressed, I don't respond to people when they make attempts to contact me. They don't know whats going on with me right now, so I'll return back to them when it's a little better so they don't feel bad. Depression makes me feel alone. It makes me feel unworthy to be in the presence of normal people, which in turn makes me alone i guess.

Sometimes, secretly I wish someone would look over at me and recognize my pain and suffering in my eyes...for I am probably holding back the tears that I so desperately want to get rid of. They don't notice, and I don't know if deep down that is what hurts me even more.